The Cry of Soundless Words
by SamanthaMoore
Summary: Pain and heartache is all Blaine knows, and when depression takes over an end is all he thinks of, and that end is suicide. will he take his life, or will someone help him find happiness in his world of darkness and rejection. Warning *** may contain disturbing content and language (please review- very much appreciated)
1. Chapter 1

**The Cry of Soundless Words**

By: Samantha Moore

Drowning, I scream as loud as my body will let me but my cries are masked by the crashing of the water and my voice remains unheard. This is how I feel every waking hour of every demeaning day. The pain runs deep within my body, cutting my mind like a knife, stab after stab the scars are all I know, are all I feel. The hurt is all I have grown with, and those words so bitterly present with every breath I take. Unwanted, alone, and damaged. No matter how hard I cry or how hard I beg for them to stop, they don't. I always felt like I was doing something wrong, that I wasn't being the right person, so I kept on searching for myself, but the real problem was that I was different, I am different and they dislike me, abuse me and torture me simply because I'm not like everyone else. So day after day I lie on the cold, hard ground beaten and numb. Wounded and abandoned with no one there to help. Nobody seems to understand what it's like, to be hurt and to feel lost, left to find a place in this rotten world. To be kicked while I'm already down, and to have not a sole in sight willing to save me, willing to be there for me, and not what others want me to be.

They never see the pain in my eyes, or hear the crying of my heart from repeatedly being torn apart, and why would they. Why would they care about some washed up guy, especially considering his own father pretends he doesn't exist. I'm just a deformed, loser who was unfortunately placed on this god forsaken earth.

When your body begins to grow cold and your mind is marked with too many scars to count that you begin to walk around as a mere cloud of fog an ending is all you can think of, all you can dream of. I mean what are you supposed to do when you look at your father and all you feel is shame, when you feel you are meaningless and who you are is to blame.

This is when I began to think of suicide, I mean why would I continue living when my own father wishes I would die. Death seems so simple; it's an end to it all, something I have been searching for so long.

* * *

I throw my soggy sandwich back into my lunch bag, no longer feeling hungry, as I see a guy, about my age with gelled hair walking into Dalton Academy. He's accompanied by a bigger man, and a woman who appear to be his parents. "Must be another transfer kid… I wonder his reasoning" I mumble to myself.

I transferred here to Dalton Academy high school just a month ago, because my of an incident at my old high school that left me in the hospital and I forced my dad to let me transfer as I told him otherwise I would never go to school again. There were these guys who really pissed me off, and I begged for them to stop but It got to the point where I actually feared for my life, but at this point I question whether it wouldn't have been easier to ask them to just kill me. Anyways, the night I was released from the hospital, I began to search up high schools in the surrounding area, keeping my eye open for the best ones, until I finally came across Dalton Academy, an all-boys private school. It turned out they have a zero tolerance, no-bullying policy that has been strictly enforced, so me and my eagerness to escape the torment insisted on moving here. I made a good decision yet I still feel out of place, and my nights haven't gotten any better.

I still toss and turn, the nightmares vivid and real, I cry and cry, begging for the comfort of arms wrapped so tightly around me, whispering in my ear that everything is going to be okay, yet it's never there.

I walk through my new school, subconsciously going through my day as I never seem to retain anything, only seem to stare beyond reality, I guess hoping for something new, something better in my life. I finally found one outlet where I can express myself, or at least try to…the Glee club.

* * *

"So we are welcoming a new member today…Kurt would you mind introducing yourself" Says David, head of the Warblers, Dalton Academy's glee club.

"Um Hi…My name is Kurt Hummel, I'm 16 years old and I transferred from McKinley High," Kurt replies. This was the guy I saw at lunch, I guess he doesn't waste any time getting involved in the school.

"Hi Kurt," we chorus.

Kurt shuffles his way through the room and takes a seat next to me, folding his hands on his lap and staring at them, seemingly shy.

"So, I guess we can get started…today we need to take a look at some possibilities for sectionals but first Kurt, as per warbler tradition you must come on up here and perform a song for all members to hear" continues David.

Kurt's face immediately flushes red; he clears his throat and makes his way up to the front of the room, ponders in his head for a moment and begins to sing "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera with the most amazing voice I have ever heard.

"Cause you are beautiful no matter what they say, Words can't bring you down, oh no," Kurt sings as he stares out the window into the distance. "So don't you bring me down today"

Tears begin to well in my eyes but I quickly blink them away. I would say it's because he is an amazing singer but the truth is I'm jealous. Jealous of people who can get up in front of everyone and sing a song about acceptance of themselves and the fact that they won't let anything get in the way of that. I don't think I have a stich of courage to express in any form acceptance of myself, and ignorance of what others say about me because I hear it all and I let it impact me, guide me. But here Kurt is, standing in front of a room full of complete strangers singing, and with such power.

"And everywhere we go, The sun will always shine, We are beautiful in every single way, Yes, words can't bring us down, oh no, So don't you bring me down today" the room fills with applause and Kurt does a little curtsey. He makes his way back to sit next to me and I just smile at him.

"Wow…B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L…I'm sure you will make it far here Kurt let me tell you," applauds David, "Okay…now it's time we came up with some ideas for sectionals it's just around the corner and the judges are looking for something new, something edgy and we best be on our game" He continues.

"For sure, and David and I were discussing last night and we believe it would be best to get everybody's say for this one, and what we were thinking was to have you all go home whether as pairs or individuals and maybe brainstorm some ideas and come here next week with a little number pulled together, "says Wes, David's co-leader.

So the next few minutes left to spare, we all began chatting, discussing times we were free to get together to brainstorm.

I turn to Kurt and Introduce myself, "Hi…Um my names Blaine Anderson"

"Hi…I think I saw you at lunch…yah you were sitting in the corner of the court yard," Kurt smiles, but I just bow my head feeling stupid, _yah, I'm kind of a loner_ I think of saying.

"So how long have you been here?" He asks

"Oh, only about a month or so, I had some troubles at my old school, you know little things and figured it would just be best you know, try something new." I lie, if only they were small problems

"Well it seems like this place is nice," Kurt says, veering his eyes from mine and starring at the ground.

"So…um if you don't mind me asking, why did you transfer," I ask hoping I didn't hit the wrong spot.

"Well," Kurt looks around to see if anyone is eves dropping, "there was this guy at my old school who would torture me day in and day out, to the point where I couldn't handle it. My dad began to fear me safety and insisted a transfer…" tears were welling in his eyes

"I'm sorry I asked," worried by the tears rolling down his cheeks

"No...It's just hard that's all, but I like being open…at least to some degree because it's too hard to keep things a secret you know"

"Yah…I know," my heart did a flip in my chest, I wish I had his guts, "So, about this whole sectionals thing, do you want to you know get together and maybe work something out" I ask.

"Sure that would be great"

So Kurt and I planned to get together at my house this weekend, and we had spent the rest of this week getting to know each other a little. He was so open to me about everything yet I still bottle my secrets deep in my heart, at least as deep as I can until he would begin discovering them on his own just as ever other person does.

Somehow, even though I've finally found someone to talk to the ache in my heart penetrates my entire body, and I go home and lock myself away, crying till all my tears are shed. Depression, torment, heartache and mistreatment…it never goes away.

* * *

Friday night and I walk home only to find the house egged and a paper plastered to the door with one word that seems to always tear my world to pieces…_faggot._

I try to run straight to my room but my Dad is at the bottom of the stairs, anger masks his whole face.

"I thought I told you to give up this whole act, to blend the hell in, and look what happens, the house is egged by a bunch of morons all because you don't listen to what I tell you." Dad screams in my face, tears roll down my cheek, my stomach turns, and I wish my body to scream back into his face, but I don't I just stand there shaking from head to toe.

"What the hell is the matter with you," He grabs my shoulders and shakes me, " don't you see how selfish you are acting, how stupid this all is" and with those last few words I break down screaming for him to stop, but he returns to the scream with a smack in my face and a shove to the ground. He kicks my gut hard and whips the back of his hand hitting me straight in the eye.

"Now get the hell up and clean off my god damn walls…."I turn onto my stomach holding myself in a cradle position and cry…."NOW!" He screams and I fumble my way up and to the kitchen, grabbing a damp cloth to wipe away the eggs.

Later that night I sit in my room, my stomach throbs and a bruise already formed on my right eyelid aches as I touch a cold icepack to it. I stare out my window, into the forest behind our house trying to calm myself, but my body still continues to shake, and tears still flow from my eyes. I think about all those things the kids will say to me, all the things they posted on the internet and cry harder knowing it will never go away, scars are permanent and the rumours and the truth are real, no matter how heart wrenching.

I can't do this anymore, depression has sucked all the energy and will power to fight, I only think of the pain, and it's too hard. I've made up my mind… I'm committing suicide.


	2. Chapter 2 Suicidal Thoughts

_**Cry of soundless words. Chapter 2**_

_**Samantha Moore**_

I tossed and turned all night only managing to get about 15 minutes of sleep, my stomach hurt and my head pounded from what seemed as the worst headache I've ever had. Dad left the house around 2 in the morning and hasn't gotten back yet... It's 7:14 am and the sun is rising penetrating through my window. I need her. I need my mom; I winced as I pulled myself from bed not realizing how hard my dad really did kick me. I grabbed the phone off my dresser and dialled my mom's number.

Pick up, pick up...

"Hello?"

"Mom"! Is all I say and I break down crying all over again, tears falling down my face even though I thought I had already cried them all.

"Blaine..."? Is all I can hear from my sobs

"Blaine honey... What's wrong?" I wipe my face with the back of my hand being careful with my swollen eye.

"Everything, everything is wrong mom"!

"We'll tell me... Sweetheart please stop crying" mom whispers over the phone

"I need-yo-u...m-om" I cry harder, trying to ignore the pain throbbing throughout my entire body, "please come get me"

"I can't...Blaine just tell me what's wrong"

"I can't go to school any more, dad hit me again last night and I'm... I'm scared!" I shout between cries

"I don't know what to say..." I could hear that she was tearing up, " if I had all the power I would make it all go away, make the pain and sadness just disappear but I can't, I know it's hard and I know your just trying to fit in but people they will never change, you will have to just learn t-"

"Learn to ignore it, I can't!" I interrupt her

"Blaine, this thing with you-"

"You mean being gay!"

"Yes being gay... It's something you'll just have to learn to overcome... I'm sorry there's just nothing I can do to help"

"Mom please..." I beg her

"I'm sorry... I... I have to go... My boss is calling me, I love you" and with that the line was dead just like my heart.

I just sob into my pillow, those few words crushing my chest making it hard to breath "learn to overcome" begin gay isn't something I can just overcome, it's who I am and I wish she would understand that. I know she loves me and I know she always will it's just all in the same note she never wanted to have a gay son, ever!

My body aches, my head pounds I feel as though I'm really drowning, stranded in the middle of nowhere, I've decided to give in. I can't tread through the stormy water anymore, I have no energy, no more will power to fight, and if making the decision to end my life is cowardly then so be it. I decided to follow through with my plan, I wanted to make sure I left some kind of mark in the world and that when I did finally end my life those who lived with such hate and cruelty towards me might feel something, anything in regards to my hurt and my loneliness. So I wrote a suicide note. Not just any suicide note but rather one containing specific reasons for why I committed suicide and I would set it right next to me as I hung myself from my closet, the room I should have never left.

So I did just that I wrote and I cried, I wrote and I screamed while I cried some more.

May 17 2011 the day I came out to my parents, the day my mom left and the day I ended up in the hospital will now become the day it all ends... May 17 2013 just two days away

I hear a knock at the door...Shit its Kurt... I completely forgot he was coming over today. Papers are sprawled all over my bed and my alarm reads 1:00 pm Sunday.

"Just I minute I holler from upstairs...Dad!"...oh my god is he still not home

I quickly throw on a clean t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and run downstairs.

"Sorry about that, come on in," I say gesturing Kurt inside.

"Oh that's okay, I'm a little early"

"Can I get you something to drink I just need to head up quickly and finish getting ready if that's okay with you," I say catching a glance of his eyes, god I never realized how beautiful they were... Crystal blue

"Um sure, I wouldn't mind some water" he smiles glancing around the room

I grab him a glass of water from the tap and run upstairs to get ready. I comb back my hair and gel up a little flip in the front, my hair shines in the mirror form the product that holds it in its place. I brush my teeth and head back into my room being sure to clear all my papers from my bed, ones which I would never want him to read, stacking them neatly under the piano sheet music to "Against all odds" by Phil Collins, and I meet him downstairs.

"Sorry About that-"

"Oh my God… What happened?" Kurt interrupts staring at my face with such sincere eyes.

"Oh this…" I say as casually as possible, pointing to the large purple and yellow puffed patch lining my eye " I um... I sleep walk and well I was sleep walking and ended up falling down the stairs and the rest is self-explanatory"

"Geese, I didn't even notice until now… some fall!"

"Yah well….um so do you want to work in my bedroom, it's a little more comfortable up there," I glance around the house disgusted at the empty cans of beer and the dust bunnies coating the floor.

"Sure," Kurt replies

So Kurt follows me upstairs and we begin our brainstorming for the glee club, we come up with some crazy ideas and some amazing ones but in the end we scrap them thinking they would be worth nothing to complete in the end.

"I have no idea what we should do!" Kurt exhales

"What if we just stop thinking and let the ideas just come to us you know, let them create themselves" I say hoping we can redirect the topic to something else, I'm edging to get to know him, he just has this thing about him that I can't describe, a kind of closeness.

"Okay what do you want to talk about?" Kurt asks

"How about you tell me a little about yourself, you know about your family and such… I don't know just tell me about yourself," I say hoping I'm not sounding to pushy.

"Well I guess I'm your cookie-cutter picture of a loner who speaks when he should have kept his mouth shut. I live with my mom and dad who scope out my every actions and investigate my entire life, urging to fight my every battle and, I have a younger sister who seems to be about 1000 times more popular than I am, but I guess that's the price you pay when you live in Ohio, one of the most anti-gay communities in all of the United States….Oh and I love chocolate, the colour blue and If you haven't yet grasped it…I'm gay," Kurt smiles simply spilling everything out to me, a guy he met only a few days ago.

"I… I have a question….How can you be so open, and so confident even when people they are so cruel?" I ask

"Well I don't really know…I guess all I could say is that I live by a kind of code that nobody can ever use you against you unless you let them…. Basically they can't kick me down for being gay because I won't let it happen. I know there are still those times where there is nothing on this planet that can make their hurtful words go away, but you just have to remember who you are and that there is nothing wrong with you… I'm not sure what else to say…Now I have a question for you…. Why do you ask…Why did you really transfer to Dalton Academy?"

"Um…Wel-"I begin but am immediately interrupted by my dad as he slams the front door closed hollering up at me

"Blaine! Get down here!" He shouts

"Sorry I'll be right back," I look at Kurt, horrified by the entrance of my Dad


	3. Chapter 3 Remembrance of Things Past

_**Cry of Soundless Words. Chapter 3**_

**Samantha Moore**

The room is quite as Kurt hears Blaine run down the stairs to confront his Dad, a person who by the sound of how he had entered the house is someone whom Kurt would not want to meet. Kurt began to hear an intensifying conversation occurring between Blaine and his Dad and decided to wait it out, and have a look around Blaine's room, a place that seemed odd in reference to the rest of the house. His room was so tidy; the walls were plastered in various pictures of musicians from Phil Collins to Katy Perry, and booklets if various music sheets were stacked neatly next to a well-used guitar that lean in the corner of the wall. Everything seemed like it had its place but there was still an odd subtle feeling to the room, something Kurt could not quite name.

Kurt walks around the room realizing that Blaine might be a while he glances at the wooden desk that is shoved in the corner, books stacked in a toppling tower and a music sheet to Phil Collins "Against All Odds" sitting next to them. Out of interest Kurt picks up the music sheet only to discover something that made his stomach churn.

_To my Mom who tried to care for me_

_And those who succeeded in destroying me,_

Curiously Kurt began to read the words that seemed so fiercely etched into the paper;

_ I tried so hard to pull through but the pain is unbearable, it has taken over my entire body and the scars mental and physical are too hard to live with. So many people have forced me to believe I'm worthless, and a disgrace, you have told me to kill myself well congratulations, mission accomplished. I just want you to know that your words your actions they beat my soul, you killed me and no longer will I have to shed a tear or swallow your pain._

_ I'm writing this note to tell you the story of my life, well more like the reasons why my life had to end. And if you so happen to be one of these reasons I hope you know the pain and the suffering you had caused me, the depression, the anxiety and the self-hatred was all your fault._

_ I guess I should start with the time when it all began, the day my parents decided to pull me from school, and the day I was told I was going to hell…_

"Blaine, hurry up or you're going to be late," I hear mom shout from the bottom of the stairs.

It's my fourth day of grade 7 at my new school "Ryerson Public Elementary". My family had to move as my Mom received a new job position that required us to live in Ohio for the first time. I was in a way glad to finally be moving, get a change in scenery, maybe make some new friends… but it was all a fantasy.

"I'm coming" I say, fixing my dress shirt underneath my argyle print sweater vest.

You see the problem about being in grade 7 and in a new state was that it's a time when kids find themselves, and I don't mean whether they like math or geography, soccer or basketball, but whether their gay, straight or whatever else and it's a time when they begin to express themselves. For me, I found myself, and in an unfortunate reality I realized I was gay and with one parent who was so homophobic I was surprised he didn't have a sign to hold 24/7 stating the sinful nature of such a thing, and another parent who was just to caring to admit her stance was with one of misunderstanding.

I expressed myself in my clothing because yes I did look the stereotypical "gay", the classy dressy clothing, the gelled hair and the sensitive tone of voice that kids at my new school knew all too well. I had already made two enemies and the year has only begun.

Mom dropped me off outside the front doors of the school, gave me a peck on the cheek and wished me a good day, something I knew was as likely to happen as it was for apple juice to fall from the sky.

As I made my way inside I see a group of girls staring at me, cringing their faces as they make a failed attempt to talk behind my back. I attempt to ignore them, climbing the stairs towards the school and making my way straight to my locker.

"Oh Mr. Anderson, I was looking for you," Mr. Carter our school's principle says as he approaches me, "There has been a change with your homeroom class, Miss. Canterbury has an opening and I think it would be better to have you start off your year with her, she's a fantastic teacher"

"Okay, thanks…Where might her class be?"

"Upstairs…Room 256," Mr. Carter smiles, "Enjoy your day"

"Thanks" I smile back and finish stuffing my crap into my locker, grabbing my binder and pencil case

I make my way towards room 256 when just as the 5 minute warning bell for class goes off someone runs by and knocks my books to the ground, my papers flying free from the grasp of the binders rings and my pencil case sliding to the other side of the hall, kicked in the process as students mindless of what just happened hurriedly make their way to class.

"Screw you," I mumble under my breath, throwing my papers into the binder and grabbing my pencil case

"You're late! Oh it's you… Mr. Anderson, please take a seat" Miss. Canterbury gestures towards the only open seat, three rows from the front right in-between the girls who made fun of me this morning, _Great this should be fun._

"Eww no, Miss. Canterbury if I might say this in the most humble way possible, I don't want his kind sitting next to me."

"Excuse me Kendra, what do you me his kind," Miss, Canterbury addresses her with a confused look

"I mean Homosexuals, Gays are not okay and God would not allow this, I'm only speaking on behalf of my religious values and I can't be forced to sit next to him!" She pleas, my stomach turns and I feel my face go red

"That is enough…Jordan would you please switch seats with Mr. Anderson here,"

"Whatever," Jordan replies and I, as if a toy, meaningless and inanimate sit down in Jordan's desk located in the far back corner of the room, _don't I feel special._

That class continued on until the very end of the day, I sat in the back, staring beyond the board, only hearing the muffled sounds of Miss. Canterbury teaching.

That was the first time I was ever publically humiliated, and I haven't even come out of the closet yet, tears kept pooling up in my eyes every time I thought about it, but I quickly blink them away, not wanting to start the year off weak. The bell rang, snapping me out of my trance; I closed up my work book and waited for everyone to leave before I dared to stand up.

"Mr. Anderson, can I speak to you for a minute,"

"Please…Miss. Canterbury can you stop addressing me as Mr. Anderson, it's just Blaine"

"Yes, sorry…Blaine, are you okay, you seemed a little down today?"

"Um, yah…I'm just a little tired that's all"

"Okay well, I want you to know that what happened today, it was unacceptable and I'll be sure it doesn't happen again"

"Then why did you let it, why didn't you say anything!" I shout at her before I think of what I had just said, "I'm sorry, and I didn't mean to yell"

"No your right, It's just hard you know, this topic is one of great controversy and well the majority of people including myself don't know how to deal with it that's all," She says with a look of concern

"I better go," I conclude, wanting nothing more than to end the discussion.

I was supposed to walk home that afternoon, but instead found myself at my front door in a cop car, lip bleeding, and bruises forming on the side of my body.

As I had turned the corner of the school yard I was ganged up on by a bunch of guys I had never met before, they threw me to the ground and they held me down while Kendra wrote on my forehead, the word that haunted me for the rest of my sorry life, "Faggot".

They continued to kick me and punch me till in some sort of sick luck a cop car drove by, and just as he reversed to a stop next to where I was lying, beaten, the kids had run, and were never caught, never charged. I was driven home, and immediately pulled from school, sent to be homeschooled by my aunt for the rest of the year. I guess my parents feared the reality of that one word.

_ So to you Kendra and the rest of my grade 7 class (Including Miss. Canterbury) your heartless minds and your aching words killed me. You forced me to live a life in secrecy and in guilt over who I am. Are you happy, are you satisfied with the outcome, because of you I can't go outside without the fear of being tormented by those words that are so true but so disheartening. I hope that you burn in hell Kendra, just as much as you wished it on me because you deserve the same fate; you deserve to be punished by God!_

_ I hope you all realize that when you meet someone new you shouldn't judge them by the way they look even if it is who they are, because yah I am gay and yah you could tell just by the way I dressed, it still does not give you the permission to throw someone down, especially when they needed someone more than anything._

_ Mom, Dad, I'm sorry I didn't say anything at first I was just scared, stuck in fear over what you would do if you found out the truth about who I love. But now…now I realize that it didn't matter because I am who I am and I love who I love, that will never ever change…if you can't accept that even as you read this then there is something wrong. You're just as heartless as those kids who made me into nothing. Who made me walk home bruised and tormented, only to feel alone and unwanted as I lay in bed at night. I needed my parents, I needed friends and now more than anything I just need Love._

Kurt finishes that last sentence, tears welling in his eyes as he listens for Blaine who continues to argue with his Dad downstairs. Kurt felt sick because he knew what Blaine was feeling and is still feeling to this day. It's a feeling of disappointment, of regret and mistreatment as nobody else really seems to understand, and they never will, not unless they have truly experienced it for themselves. Knowing that Blaine was feeling such heartache, brought Kurt to tears as he thought he would have never met someone who felt the same pain he tried so very hard to hide.


	4. Chapter 4 A Secret Firend

**Cry of Soundless Words. Chapter 4**

**Samantha Moore**

Kurt continued on to the next page, again scribbled with words of anger and hatred...

_I had to spend those years where you learn how to be responsible where you learn how to make good friends to hold on to forever, I spent them alone, trapped in another world, forced to learn in solitude because of you. I never had the chance to make a friend, not until grade 9 and even then you took him from me..._

_So here is to every grade 9 student at Bryant Public High school who killed my moments of happiness and the memories I was supposed to treasure._

_It was my second semester of grade 9 and we had all started our new classes, for me the year had gone by slow, I hadn't met someone I could talk to who seemed to understand me, who was willing to be there for me despite who I was. But that week, in our new classes I met him, Noah Greenly. He had blue eyes, curly short black hair and the cutest face. He was new to our school this semester but was already at the bottom of the pyramid and I could only think of two reasons why: number one there were people who already knew him before or number two our society is just so sick that they find joy in throwing people down… although I'm beginning to think it's both._

_Noah was one of those kids who were visibly different and despite the fact that you would hear people tell you to stand out amongst everyone and be yourself….it was by doing so that people like Noah were thrown into lockers, and beat up after school. But despite it all he held strong, with colourful flamboyant clothing, gelled hair and the occasional bowtie._

_He would sit by himself in the cafeteria and alone in the classroom for others feared to catch what they had called the "Gay Lord Disease", but he still smiled because he knew that there was no mistake in who he was._

_But there comes a point when nobody can take the pain anymore, when hiding your tears and the hatred you feel beings to eat at your heart and it no long feels as though there is piece left untouched. This is the point in time when you feel as though you're not weightless but rather overcome by 1000 tonnes where you feel as though you can no longer breathe, that you are being pulled by a heavy weight to the bottom of an ocean. And it is at this point when you just say good bye to the ones you loved._

_To allow you to better understand I will give you the whole story, the part that you were to senseless to care about, the part that had to do with the love of two teenage boys, love that was not allowed in your world…_

I met Noah on the on the second day of semester two, I was walking to school when I saw him, bent over frantically attempting to grab what seemed like papers blowing about in the wind. I ran over to try and help him, and that's when I saw his face, his bright blue eyes glazed over by tears that had rolled down his cheek.

"What's wrong, can I help you?" I ask, grasping a flying away paper.

"I'm…I'm fine, just a bunch of jerks took my bag and threw my crap all over…. I'm fine though really" He says, wiping the tears off of his cheek and giving me a small smile.

"Okay, well if you want I can walk you to school….your name is Noah right; you're in my healthcare class?" I ask.

"Yah and Yah," He smiles, "What's your name?"

"Blaine Anderson" I smile back.

We spent the rest of the walk in silence, but that day we weren't alone…we had each other. We changed seats in healthcare so we could sit beside each other, we ate lunch at the same lonesome table in the corner of the cafeteria, and we walked home together… a new friendship born.

Together we were called "Gay lords" and "Faggots". Noah was worried that hanging out with him was a bad thing, he didn't want me to have to deal with the torment, but I tried telling him I was already being tormented before I met him. So we continued to stick side by side, defending each other.

It was May 17, 2011 when I finally came out; first to Noah, I didn't think I could handle my parent's reaction…at least not yet. So I called him and told him to meet me at the park and it was there that I spilled my entire self out to him, my biggest secret. When I told him I was gay he yelled at me, not because I was gay but because I held it from him, he told me about himself yet I hid my true identity from him. But after he got out his anger and his frustration, we cried.

I felt this kind of release, like I finally had some connection where there were no secrets no hatred, no anger, just friendship and for the first time…love.

I felt like a new person and decided to do something I would have never thought I would regret, I asked him to the Sadie Hawkins Dance…

* * *

"Hurry up Blaine; you're going to be late" Mom yells up the stairs.

"I'm coming, just a minute!"

"Who is this girl anyway, when can we meet her?" Mom asks for what seems like the hundredth time.

I still haven't told them because I know the outcome and I don't want to ruin anything.

"I told you, her name is Mason, and she's shy maybe some other time you can meet her" I smile climbing down the stairs, "Love you mom".

"Okay…Love you too".

I quickly walk to Noah's house, straightening my shirt about a thousand times as my nervousness gets to me. When I approach his house I stop and stare for a second, my heart pounding out of my chest and just then the door flew open and Noah was running toward me, a wide smile on his face as he carried a beautiful white rose in his hand.

"Blaine…You look beautiful, here this is for you" Noah says, handing me the flower.

"Noah, it's beautiful…and you, you look stunning… ready to go?"

"Sure, I told my Mom we could walk there but she insists on picking us up".

"Okay sounds great," I say breaking the end on the rose smaller and setting it into my blazer pocket.

We held hands all the way to the school, laughing and chatting about the most random of things, but finally I was happy and didn't give a care in the world if someone saw us together.

* * *

The gym was so beautifully decorated, lights hung from the ceiling, flowers of various shades of white and blue were set about perfectly and we joined the crowd of students dancing in the center of it all. Song after song went by, and we began to lose track of time, living in the moment together, it was perfect and our tormentors were nowhere to be seen. Finally a slow song came on and I had my chance at a first dance with the person I would have never dreamed better.

"Can I have this dance" I ask Noah, holding out my hand.

"It would be an honour" he smiles back at me.

I wrap my arms around his tiny waist and he warps his hands around my neck and we dance.

"I know we haven't said much about this but, will you be my boyfriend" I whisper into his ear.

He slows his steps but doesn't stop, "I would love to" he whispers back and suddenly stops. He stares into my eyes and I stare into his, our hands still wrapped around each other and we kiss. The world around us just seems to disappear as tough we are invisible to those around us and for the first time it feels good because I can be myself.

"I love you," I whisper.

"I love you too," he whispers back.

It's around 1:15 in the morning and the dance finally wrapped up, Noah and I stand by the curb holding hands as we wait for his mom to come.

"I had the best time" I say resting my head on his shoulder.

"Me too".

"Hey Gay Lords!" someone yells, startling us, "Nobody gave you permission to come here tonight spreading your fairy dust!" Its Tyler, Dylan, Marcus and Evan from school…our worst enemies.

Noah squeezes my hand; message understood I'm terrified too.

"So boys I think it's time that they understood us and realized that there is no place for faggots", Dylan yells.

"Look, weren't not causing any trouble here," I say, my voice sounds weak.

"Oh your causing trouble all right, NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE YOU QUEER ASSES" Marcus replies.

I can hear Noah crying as he grasps my hand even harder, my eyes begin to well with tears and of course nobody else is around.

"It's time for you two to learn a lesson," Evan shouts, and the four of them run at us, Marcus and Tyler grab Noah and rip him from my hands as Dylan and Evan throw me to the ground. About 6 feet away I see Marcus kicking Noah in the stomach and he wails out in agony.

"STOP, Leave him alone!" I yell at them only to be kicked hard in the face, and punched in the gut myself. I lose my breath and as I gasp for air, I hear Noah scream again.

"Please- Stop," I cry but it seems as though my cries are soundless.

I try to roll over to see if Noah is okay and I meet eyes with him as he mouths to me "I love you" and just when I attempt to mouth it back he gets a blow to the back of the head by what looks to be Tyler's foot and he passes out.

"Just admit it!" Dylan yells at me, "Admit you're disgusting"

"NO!" I scream as loud as my body will let me, tears flowing down my face. I'm scared, scared because I don't know if Noah is still okay and scared for myself as I see Marcus and Tyler leaving Noah and joining Evan and Dylan as they continue to beat me. Marcus forces me onto my stomach; someone rapidly kicks my side the pain seems unbearable, as someone else sits on me strangling me as they pull my head back. When they let go they join the kicking and I try my best to curl into a ball to protect as much of my body as I can but just as I do so one of them grabs my hair pulling my head back and nailing me once in the nose and finally in the right eye after which I pass out.

The next thing I can remember is the stereotypical beeping of the heart monitor as I lay in a hospital bed, my Mom and Dad sitting next to me. I can't see out of my right eye because its swollen shut so I turn my head to the side to see them better but just as I try pain shoots down my back.

"Oh honey, don't move" Mom says as she stands up next to the bed.

All at once I begin to feel the pain encompassing my entire body, "It hurts Mom" I say.

"I know sweet heart, the doctor will get you some more medicine, just hang in there" She says

"Can I have my phone?" I ask.

"Um yah sure, somebody has sent you like a million texts but there is no name"

"Thanks," I say taking my phone from Mom I unlock it shaking a little as I hope the texts are from Noah

- "Blaine r u okay?" (May 18th, 2011)

- "Where r u?" (May 18th, 2011)

- "I'm scared I need to know you're okay" (May 19th, 2011)

- "Blaine?" (May 19th, 2011)

- "Where are you " (May 19th, 2011)

- "I was discharged from the hospital today, going home with Mom, Dad and a broken rib " (May 20th, 2011)

- "I miss you" (May 20th, 2011)

- "Can u please tell me where you are, if your even ok…I haven't heard a thing" (May 20th, 2011)

- "I miss you " (May 20th, 2011)

- "Just found out your still at the hospital and still unconscious, I miss you and I love you. I will continue to text just in case you wake up xoxo" (May 21st, 2011)

- "Love you" (May 22nd, 2011)

A huge wave of relief came over me, glad to know he was okay.

"Who was it?"

"Oh just a couple of friends, I guess they were worried".

"You guess, I think we were all terrified, and I still don't have an answer as to what the heck happened" Mom says.

"Please relax, I'm fine," I fake a smile; meanwhile my entire body aches in pain as the medicine slowly and painfully wears off.

"Fine! Look at yourself, you're plastered in bruises, you have two fractured ribs, you're swollen like a balloon and you're lying in a hospital bed" She cries. My Dad stands up and hugs her; I had forgotten he was even in the room.

"Please Mom, go home and get some rest, you need it"

"Okay…I love you" and with that she kisses me on the forehead and her and Dad leave.

Before I knew it I was waking back up, I grab my phone off of the table beside me, wincing at the subtle movement as it awakens the throbbing of my body. I unlock my phone and glance at the time in the upper right hand corner, 11:58 pm. I look at the second bed in the room, thankfully I have no roommate and I dial Noah's number not caring about the time but just wanting to hear his voice.

"Hello?"

I sigh, "Noah, good God I miss you".

"Blaine- I," I could hear Noah beginning to cry, "I'm so sorry, God they could have killed us".

"Noah please neither of us is at fault here, we didn't do anything wrong," I began to cry, "I need you, now more than ever".

"I know, trust me you and me both, I just can't believe it…did your parents find out what happened?"

"No, I haven't told them yet," I whisper as I see a doctor walk by the room.

"Look, believe me I know it's hard and I love you but hiding this is just going to make things worse".

"I'll tell them soon just not now…I'm just so glad to hear your voice…I love you" I say.

"I love you more".

With that the line was dead, thank god he's okay.

That morning, May 23rd, 2011, 6 days after the Sadie Hawkins Dance, I was released from the hospital; my eye still swollen shut, a bandage wrapped around my chest, and my entire body crying out in agony with every move I make. Noah texted me and said he wasn't going back to school yet, not until I was but I knew it was really because his parents wouldn't let him. They knew the true story behind the incident unlike my own parents and I had intended on leaving it that way…so I thought.

Slowly I walked into the house, Mom beside me as I go and just as I step into the house I see a look of anger across my Dads face.

"We need to talk" He says pointing to the empty chair sitting across from him at the table.

I swallowed hard taking seat, "What the hell is this!" Dad shouts, and Mom stares at me tears in her eyes.

I look down at the picture Dad had slid across the table, it was one that Noah took of him and I kissing in the park, my stomach sank, and I cried, "What the hell were you doing in my room, this is private," I screamed through my tears.

"I think you have some explaining to do!" Dad yelled back while Mom stood silent.

"I'm gay okay…Happy now it's finally out!" I scream back, wincing as my rib sends a piercing jolt of pain across my chest.

"No I'm not fucking happy, this is disgusting Blaine," Dad yells reaching across the table he grabs the picture and rips it in half, "Get out of here" he yells at Mom who immediately obeys walking out the front door.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Do you like being a faggot or something, like come on Blaine kissing another guy, its perverted".

"Dad please, stop it…there is nothing wrong with me, what does it matter if I love guys the way I should girls?" I cry.

"It's disgusting," he screams and I try to run to the front door but he shoves me to the wall and holds his arm against my neck, "You change now or my god will you be sorry", and he shoves me to the ground, grabs his keys off of the kitchen table and leaves. I lay there on the floor and cry, until I hear the truck pull away. I pick myself up off of the ground and run to my room. Shanking I pull out my cell phone and dial Noah's number.

"Hel-"

"Noah…Noah I need you," I cry my voice fiercely shaking its almost inaudible.

"Slow down, what's wrong".

"My parents they found out, when I was in the hospital they must have gone through my room. They found that picture of you and me at the park. My Dad he yelled at me and then threw me against the wall and then to the ground… Noah I'm scared" I cry.

"Blaine, just- just calm down...are your parents around? Can you meet me at the park?"

"Um… yah, just hurry".

I stumbled down the stairs unable to control my body from shaking, and the second I opened the front door I bolted toward the park, not caring about the pain piercing throughout my body. I saw Noah just across the field from me, running as fast as he could. When we reached each other he hugged me I didn't care that it hurt because I needed him, so instead I just cried into his shoulder until I could cry no more. When I was done he held me for a moment longer, whispering into my ear that he loved me.

We sat down next to each other underneath a maple tree and I talked, I told him about everything how my Dad seemed so distant from me at the hospital, and what had happened, I told him what he did to me and Noah insisted I at least sleep over at his house tonight until things cooled down, and so I did.

_So here is to those four grade 9 students, Tyler Oakland, Evan Clarke, Dylan Haymes, and Marcus Lynn who beat my boyfriend and me senseless on a night we were to remember for the rest of our lives not as something horrific and life threatening but as beautiful. You almost took our lives simply because you are too narrow-minded and ignorant to allow us to love._

_Because of you we hide our relationship, we feared for our safety and we were home-schooled for the rest of grade 9. You should be ashamed because you are disgusting, how can you treat someone with such hatred and disgust, feeling no remorse for your brutal actions. I just hope that one day you will understand Noah and I, that you will understand love is love in whatever form and those senseless acts that were so demeaning to us were heartless and unnecessary._


	5. Chapter 5 Losing a Friend

**The cry of Soundless Words. Chapter 5**

**By, Samantha Moore**

Kurt had to stop reading as his eyes were masked with tears, he would have never imagined that Blaine had gone through this... was going through this.

"I told you last night!" Kurt could hear Mr. Anderson yell from downstairs "What the hell is wrong with you" Kurt didn't even want to know what was going on and surely it wasn't anything good.

Part of him wanted to stop reading because he was going through Blaine's entire life and all the pain he was feeling. But the other part of him didn't want to stop, maybe if he kept reading he could understand him better and try to help ... In whatever way possible.

So he listened for any steps nearing the room and continued to read as the argument downstairs only intensified more...

_Noah once told me "We are who we are for a lot of reasons and many of them we may never know, and although we may not have the power to choose who we are, we do have the power to choose where we can take ourselves. So be yourself and you will find someone like you who will change your world, and obstacles will be easier to get around because there is someone to hold your hand as you weave your way through."_

_So we did just that, we stuck to who we were and with all the strength we had we held strong and we tried to never let what others would say about us or do towards us ever take away what we had. We held hands, and when grade 10 came around we went back to high school, grateful that Noah's aunt was there to teach us the remainder of grade 9 but hopeful that we could somehow have the courage to go back out into the world._

_But no matter how courageous or brave we were and no matter how strong of a bond had been formed between Noah and I, you managed to tear it all apart. So here is to all the grade 10 students at Brayden Public High school (even those who stood by) who tormented Noah and I repeatedly to the point where no more tears could be shed, and where strength and courage were no longer enough. Also, to the teachers who knew all too well what had been going on but didn't care enough to save our lives._

_You see, the pain and the heartache never really went away it was just easier when Noah and I were out of school, but without fail the moment we stepped through those doors the looks, the words they came stabbing right back. _

_It was only the first week when we were getting hit real hard by lashing at school but this time, for the first time is wasn't only being done in person, but online….where everyone can see it….in the cyber world…where nothing can ever be removed….ever._

_It started with text messages that we were getting from people I still don't even know to this day, Noah managed to change his number twice, but it's still a mystery as to how they figured out his number each time._

_They would send Noah and I messages like, "Homo", "Faggot" and "You're disgusting", which we handled ourselves and decided to not tell anyone considering we would hear these words in person every day anyway. But by the end of the first month it only spread to the point where we weren't jut receiving texts but they began insulting us over Facebook for everyone to see. _

_We tried to keep it from our parents, it was embarrassing enough never mind having them see what was going on, but Noah's parents they knew him too well and soon enough found out about what was going on. So they went in and talked to the principle at Brayden Public High, who at the time was Mr. Robert Matthews, and as you would expect all that came from their heated discussion was the removal of their posts…no consequences._

_So we lived out our few days in peace feeling as if something did change but we were only fooled, they will never change…_

* * *

"Happy Birthday Sweetie," Mrs. Greenly says.

"Thanks mom…Blaine and I are just going up to my room, call me if you need anything".

"Hey Noah, be sure to reply to all your birthday wishes, I think there's one from uncle Ron, he misses you!" Noah's mom shouts as we climb the stairs.

"Okay," Noah shouts back.

When we get into his room I climb onto his bed and Noah grabs his laptop logging into his Facebook account as he cuddles in next to me.

"Do you seriously have to reply to every happy birthday message?" I ask.

"Yep, otherwise my mom gets mad," I just look at him, "Don't ask".

So we serf his page for what felt like hours, replying to all the family messages from more aunts and uncles than I could count.

"I can't believe that your parents let you keep your Facebook account after all that happened, I mean they seem so serious about protecting you".

"I know but I insisted, I mean they can't take everything from us right?"

"Right," I smile back, kissing him on the cheek, "put that away for now, its hindering our cuddle time".

"Sorry," he says closing the screen and shoving the laptop to the other end of the bed.

We just sit with each other and chat until our mouths go dry and Noah ends up falling asleep. So I lie there next to him, stroking his hair as the minutes turn to hours, and finally decide it was time I left as his alarm clocked read 11:56 pm. I snuck out of his bed being careful not to wake him, said goodbye to his parents and went home to an empty house, where I would wake to my cellphone ringing, with Noah on the other end.

* * *

"Hello," I say still half asleep I glance at my alarm clock that read 10:46 am.

"Blaine…you have to look at it…go onto your Facebook right now," I hear Noah say through muffled sobs.

"What's wrong Noah," I say immediately feeling awake.

"Just go on…"

So I jump out of bed and after turning on my computer I log onto my Facebook account.

"I don't see anything, what is it Noah".

"Your friend requests…Click on your friend requests," he cries.

The second I do I read the only request that pops up on my screen and my stomach turns in on itself.

There on the screen was a request from "Gay boys Noah/Blaine"

"Click on it," Noah says, and so I do.

Their profile fills my screen and my stomach now falls and I feel as though I can no longer breathe.

Plastered on their page are photos of Noah and I that I never knew existed; photos of us at the park, and the mall, but worst of all photos of us in the locker room with only our underwear on and photos of us together in bed from last night.

"What the hell!" I scream over the phone.

"I know," Noah cries back… "And did you read the comments?"

Under each photo were provocative comments and such homophobic language I dare not speak, they said how disgusting we were and so many made posts telling us to kill ourselves, and how it would be a relief to the rest of them.

"How did they get these photos? And look what they are saying under the photo of you and me from last night!"

I scrolled down the page to find the photos of us cuddling in bed that were captioned "_had the best night" _and underneath were comments like, _"watch out for the two little faggots or you will get infected" _and _"enjoy your time while it lasts"_ along with so many more.

"How the hell did they get these photos...What do we do?" I began crying.

"They just posted a picture of me…oh God Blaine look at it," Noah cried even harder as I scrolled to the top of the page.

It was a picture of Noah naked in the shower at our school and captioned below it were two words that shook our world _"Die Faggots" _and as I read I could hear Noah cry harder than ever, "Do your parents know?"

"No they're not home," Noah sobs.

"I'm coming over right now" I cried back.

I run to his house, constantly wiping my eyes to see through my tears, and bolt towards Noah who is standing at his doorway crying harder than I had ever seen him cry before. I guide him into the house and we go upstairs where he climbs into his bed as I close his blinds and shut his door. We hold each other and cry into each other's shoulders till our stomachs hurt and our faces are soaked with tears.

I decided I wouldn't give in and so I went to school the following Monday constantly texting Noah who was too afraid to go, but who could blame him. As I walked down the halls, and sat alone in the classroom, I could feel the heat of their staring eyes and hear the sound of their whispers.

I would hear them repeat those comments on Facebook over and over, but the one that hurt the most were those two little words, _"Die faggots"_

Neither one of my teachers cared about the pain I was going through, even Mrs. Langley my History teacher who I specifically saw staring at me as I was being rudely insulted in the middle of class. But she didn't care, just as those two boys Ryan and Matt didn't care to make fun of me. And why would any of you, I mean it's my problem that I'm gay right!

_But you see, because of you I lived in agony and depression, I needed someone there, I needed to be protected, to be loved but that just wasn't possible because you all denied that to me through your thoughts, your words, your actions and even your inaction. _

_Noah spent that week never once leaving his room, never once smiling no matter how hard I tried to get him to smile, and never laughing when I myself needed him so badly to laugh. I lost the Noah I knew to your disheartening acts and you never once said you were sorry, because in your world you did exactly what you were hoping to accomplish._

_October 28__th__ 2012, Noah Everett Greenly committed suicide… _

_The one person whom I loved, and cherished more than anything on this earth, and the one person who told me that there is not a thing wrong with being yourself was killed because of your heartless acts. You made him believe that everything about him was wrong and deserved punishment. He lived his life in love and in compassion but ended in depression and heartache. _

_He will never be there to hold my hand any longer, and obstacles will be harder to weave through. I miss his smile, and his joy. I miss his laughter and the stories he would tell. I miss the advice and the friendship. I miss the love and everything that made him who he was._

_But it didn't stop, you didn't stop. Posts were being spread all over Facebook saying "go join your gay boy", "You are next" and "Only cowards commit suicide". _

_I just can't believe how heartless you are, it was not a cowardly act of suicide, but you know what is cowardly treating someone so badly they can't stand no longer, especially when you hide behind your computer screen and let the keypad and the power of the social media do all your work for you._

_Noah tried so very hard to fight but one person only has so much strength and Noah he was exhausted and deserved to lie in peace…but he didn't deserve to go the way he did. That week after the funeral I sat there, alone in the graveyard staring at his stone with the following words etched across, _

"_Strength is everything, Love holds everything, and making a difference can mean the world. So stand and fight each battle no matter how few stand beside you for there is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you have had enough"_

_Noah stood with such strength and love and worked so hard to change the hateful minds of others but he had enough, and because of you he will never get the chance to become who he wished to be and experience all the joys that come with finding the love of your life, nor will I because you took my love from me._

_So here is to all the grade 10 students, the ones who whispered behind our backs, the ones who wrote notes and slipped them in our lockers, the ones who texted Noah and I relentlessly, the ones who spread such hate and abuse all over the internet, and the ones who stood by without care. Also to the staff and teachers who we went to in secrecy for help, but were denied, and the ones who knew what was happening but stood idly by._

_You see, the our world is full of unique individuals all capable of making a difference by being who they were meant to be, but when their world is torn down by abuse in all of its forms it feels as if there is no chance to make a difference. We tried to change the minds of heartless teens to ones of equality and diversity, but you beat Noah and I up simply because the main difference between us is who we fall in love with, and to me that is sickening._

_I can't take another breath in a world where so many feel I am disgusting, and where so many wish I never had existed, so I say to you, I'm not giving up because you win but because I have had enough. This fight isn't over, I know Noah's parents and they have more strength than Noah and I combined and they will surely fight for the right for other teens to love whomever they loves without fear or discrimination…_

By the time Kurt finished reading he was shaking in both rage and sadness, how could people be so heartless and how could all this be true. He knew what it felt like to be kicked and abused by others every day of his life, but he had supportive and loving parents, and had never had to experience the suicide of a loved one by his tormentors the way that Blaine had. Kurt knew one thing though, he had thought of suicide only in his own experience he was so fortunately rescued and given another shot at life, one that seemed to be filled with more meaning and a sense of purpose, which now seemed to be saving his new friends life.


	6. Chapter 6 Betrayed and Alone

**Chapter 6**

Kurt didn't even care to know how much longer Blaine was going to be downstairs he just felt he needed to finish reading these notes. It was as if by reading them he could somehow enter in Blaine's world, understand him and his true identity, not just some painted shell made for show but the real Blaine Anderson, the cuts the bruises and every single un-wiped tear that fell from his eyes, he just couldn't stop now…

_ I had spent years trying so hard to be who my parents wished me to be, it was like walking on egg shells, hoping you didn't crack the little white shards that lay below you with each step you took. Everywhere I turned, every breath I took and every sound I made was all done in the will of my parents, and being gay was never and would never be written in. I was forced to be this fake straight self because heaven forbid I turn the wrong way, breathe in the wrong interval or make the wrong sound I was beaten, abused physically and mentally by my own damn father, while begging my mother to step in. I sensed that my parents knew something about my true self, no matter how hard I thought I was hiding it, parents always seem to read their children, and so before I went too far in my life they were sure to attempt to put me back on the straight and narrow. I was forced to build a car with my Dad in the hopes that getting my hands dirty might make me straight. Not only that but I had to endure on several occasions the heart felt conversations on how gays are hell bound and their homosexual behaviours redefine disgusting. They were so glad their son was nothing like that as they had once told me, bullshit they knew I was their exact definition of an unwanted homosexual, a queer as so many still say, they just couldn't face the truth…_

It wasn't until grade 7 when my grandparents took me shopping for my birthday did things start heating up with my parents, because it was then that I started wearing my own purchased clothes and began to care about how I looked. I woke up early the next day to get ready for school and I wanted to be sure I got everything done just the way I had wanted it, I had pictured it in my mind and it needed to be perfect. I locked my bedroom door and began a meticulous procedure starting with the scissors and the left side of my head. I cut the ends of my hair on the left side short, about an inch in length and progressing to the right side of my head allowing the pieces to be longer in length near my forehead. I then brushed over my hair removing the clipped pieces that hide within my dark curls. I opened up my hair gel I purchased last night, "_strawberry scented with 24 hour hold_", the best one there was. I wiped my hands into the jar, creating marks like feet in freshly fallen snow, and I lathered it into my hair paying extra attention to the top front portion where I spiked it. Not just like a wave but more like a small front Mohawk that leaned a little to the side, spikey and cute.

I stare into the mirror for a minute or two, finally I found myself, I've found some sort of hidden courage and the true me, "Perfect", I say with one last pat down of my hair.

Next step clothes, too excited about creating this new me I left the shards of hair lying next to my mirror on my dresser and began to surf through my newly purchased clothing. After what seemed like hours but really only 15 minutes I match up a pair of skinny jeans that weren't so skinny on me, a black V-neck t-shirt, and a gray cardigan, touching it off with a new pair of tanned loafers.

I stared at myself for a moment longer lost in the mirror, _had I really just done that? Had I really made my own decision and became me, the real Blaine Anderson?_

My questions soon found an answer as my father knocked on my door, "Blaine, you up? Come on or you'll be late".

"Comin," I say as my heart does a little flip and sinks just a bit, _Oh god what is he going to think? Why the hell did I do this?_ Regret begins to sink in, courage just a mere thought that once existed. Slowly, I unlocked my door and taking one big, slow breath as if was the last I would ever take I step out of my room and to the kitchen, here goes nothing.

It took a minute and there it was, my Dad glanced at me and made a double take, _Yes I really did change_ I think to myself, as I gulp hard.

"Excuse me- What the hell did you do to yourself, and what the hell are you wearing?" Dad says.

"What this? Oh I bought these with grandma and papa, it's kind of the new style you know," I try to say a nonchalant as possible.

"Really?" Dad says, the look in his eyes tells me he's not buying it, "And the hair, what the hell were you thinking, you're not two, why the hell did you cut it yourself? And is that gel?"

Mom buts in, "Honey its fine I'll book him an appointment to get it cut right, just relax its only 7:30, we don't need an argument now".

"Whatever, just don't be pullen something like that anymore, and get rid of that damn sweater, you look like a queer," He says, that word piercing me in the gut.

"Please, just eat honey, you too Blaine, we can worry about this later," mom says rubbing her tired eyes.

_ But that night and the years to follow before I came out I knew my parents had a sense that I was different, too Sensitive, and not in their range of acceptance for a male and a son for that matter. So they tried to sand off the rough edges if you will, which unfortunately included the unwanted sit-downs. That night and the many to follow I was subject to a regular basis talk on gay people and "the provocative nature of such a thing" as my Dad once said in reference to the gay hairdresser at the beauty salon downtown, Brian, Yes stereotypical I know but it's true. From then on I was never, could never be open about my feelings without glares thrown my way by my own parents, and was denied to dress and talk the way I had until grade 9 when I was finally dragged out of the flannel closet by my father who found the photo of Noah and I, the truth was finally out, I was gay and my parents were anything but proud. _

_ You see, it wasn't just those kids at school who tormented me so horrifically but my own parents, my Mom who rejected me through her distance after I came out and her lack of support. My Dad who yelled and screamed homophobic slurs, who kicked me and pushed me just as hard as the teens at my school and who disowned me the very day I came out._

_ I guess I should take you back to the night of May 23 when I came home from the hospital and was forced to come out to my parents after they found that photo of Noah and I. I've told you the reaction of my Dad that night, how he screamed in my face, shoved me into the wall and knocked me to the ground, but I never told you what really happened the next day when I returned home after seeking refuge at Noah's._

_ And I might add this final note I wanted to leave specifically for you Mom and Dad who were never there for me, to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay and that I was perfect just the way I was, and who were never there to comfort me when I was bullied nor when I lost the most amazing love of my life…and will not be there for me when I take my last painful breaths in the world that wishes I never had existed to begin with. And this final note will just maybe open the buried hearts of those without understanding and with such great hate…that maybe you might realize how hard it was for me already never mind having you down my back each and every day of my sorry life…_

I awoke on May 24 lying on an old sofa in Noah's living room, with the pain from my earlier injuries at the Sadie Hawkins dance at an all-time high after being thrown to the ground by my Dad that previous night. I tried to get up but it seemed almost impossible for the second I tried a searing pain drove through my chest it literally winded me.

"Oh- God!" I winched attempting to keep my voice down as I held my hand against my chest.

"Oh…don't move- let me help you," I hear Noah say seeming to appear out of thin air.

"Hey, I didn't even see you there," I say slowly settling back into my original position on the sofa.

"Do you need something?"

"No…Well maybe- I think my bandage needs to be tightened around my chest," I reply.

"Okay…Um grab my hand and I can help you up."

"Okay…just go slow," I say grabbing Noah's hand as he pulls me up into a sitting position.

"Geese," I exhale slowly, "it hurt more than it did when I left the hospital".

"No doubt," Noah says, lifting up my shirt and removing the pin holding my bandage in place, "Are you sure you still want to go back home today… I mean you can stay here as long as you need to, my parents said they don't mind and if it means keeping you safe," Noah continues as he slowly pulls the wrap tighter around my chest.

"No…I'll be fine," I say attempting to ignore the pain as it rises.

"Well it's up to you, I just want to see you happy and know your safe," he says, re-pining the bandage and adjusting my shirt.

"Thanks," I smile.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything," I say.

"Why do you want to go home…? I just mean after everything that happened."

"My Mom…she left last night and I never got a chance to explain anything…I know we didn't have a great relationship but we had a relationship and I don't want to risk it."

"I know but-"

"Noah I have to try…I- I honestly don't want to lose her."

"Okay… but hear me out," Noah says taking a seat next to me on the couch, "Did she ever say anything you know about gay people, I mean do you know if she left because you came out?"

"No, my Dad, he told her to leave and she never had a chance to say anything and so I don't know…I guess I'm just hoping she isn't like Dad that she doesn't care about who I love."

"Right…I understand, Just know I'm hear whenever you need me," Noah smiles kissing me softly on the cheek.

That afternoon after I finished lunch I decided I would head home, hoping my Dad had settled down and my Mom was back home waiting to talk, but clearly I was too naive. I stepped inside to an empty home and sat by the phone for hours hoping to hear from my Mom but the phone never rang. Two days went by, and neither parent showed up, and my heart raced whenever the phone rang but I was fooled each time by the recorded voice of my vice principle calling stating I had missed school.

It wasn't until May 28th that my Dad finally showed up, 4 days after I had come out and he was still raging with anger. When I was in the same room as him he would mumble under his breath such heart wrenching slurs about me but never once did he speak to me directly, he would even have conversations with some invisible person about how much of a disappointment I was for a son and how much I deserved to burn in hell.

After 5 days of dealing with the silence from my Dad other than his hate bashing targeted towards me but not spoken to my face I had to call my mom, I was getting worried and it had been the longest I had ever been without her…But call after call, and day after day I still hadn't heard from her and was slowing becoming more and more depressed as my very own parents had begun to disown me, the day no child would ever in their right mind ever wish for.

It was June 2nd at 11:59 pm when my Mom finally called…

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, I wanted to call you to let you know I'm okay-"

"What the hell- where are you and why haven't you been returning any of my calls, you know it's been 10 days since I've heard from you!" I can't help myself but yell at her.

"Blaine honey, calm down," she says.

"Calm Down! Seriously? What the hell Mom!" I yell words I would have never dared to speak to my mother but seeing as she has ditched her own son things have changed.

"Excuse me?" she clears her throat, "I have been- Busy"

"Busy- You have been Busy, too busy to help your own god damn son, to protect him from beatings by his own freaken father!" I shout into the phone no longer holding back.

"You watch your tone, young man, don't ever speak to me like that I am your mother and I don't deserve it," I hear her demand over the phone, putting me farther on edge.

"I'm sorry but I will speak to you however I please, you are my mother and I think that I, as your son deserve an answer! Why the hell did you leave? I needed you, I needed my mom, and you weren't there for me, are still not there for me,`` I began to cry, a burning sensation filling my body.

"Look Blaine, I'm sorry, really I am. I just- it wasn't safe for me. You father he doesn't always think things through and I- I just had to get myself out of there," she explaines. I can hear it in her voice, she grasping for the right words, she hiding something.

"Safe for YOU! What about me mom did you ever for once consider me! He punched me for god's sake, don't you even care!" I begin to shake with anger as tears roll down my cheek.

"I don't know what to tell you. Your father he will come around I'm sure, he just needs some time, I mean this is just a phase, by no time things will go back to the way they used to be. But in the meantime it would be in your best interest to stop seeing Noah, all its going to do is cause unnecessary trouble. Just remember to, your dad and I, we love you; it's just when we see you going down this path we get worried about you. It's just not something a parent ever wants for their child… I love you Blaine…I got to go." And with that she was gone, leaving me alone in my room with this feeling I could only describe as when you doctor tells you that you have cancer and only have a few months left to live; a punch in the gut that leaves you completely breathless.

Did my mom just really say those things to me? The only person who ever seemed mildly close to me as I grew up, whom I thought loved me, for me and not just a stupid label. I was hurt beyond repair, I felt lost, alone, abandoned by the only two people who were supposed to be my protectors, my support, my love, my guidance. They felt like nothing to me, like everything that they had done for me, had said to me meant nothing. I was just a part of their past meant to be forgotten, I was a disgrace to everything that the Anderson family was, all because they realized I was into guys the way I should have been into girls. The pain in my chest had lessened over the week but the bruises were changing various colours, starting with a dark purple, to a vomit green, then the current mustard yellow markings that ached with the slightest touch. Only to compile onto the physical ache I felt, I was bruised mentally, emotionally, and could never, will never get over it...

_I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, thinking people have compassion and trying so hard to keep them close, only for them to turn around and stab me square in the chest. It seems foolish to think that I tried so hard to rekindle what I thought had existed between my mom and I, it was all a fantasy really, she just played into my mind, made me think she loved me because she just couldn't show her real feelings, her real thoughts because she feared my father. But the truth was, no matter how much it hurt to admit, she feels the same way as my father, she was saddened by the truth of me, sickened by the idea of it, and glad to simply remove herself from her past and start a future, alone without a disgrace for a son. _

_ That phone call was the last I had heard from her in a long while, I would still call, fooling myself now and again into believing she still cared and we would have short conversations, max 10 minutes and I would tell her I needed her, and missed her but like always she was just "Too Busy". I never figured out where she lived, what she was doing or who she may have ended up with, but I did know there was understanding in her. I knew she would never get over me being gay, but she wasn't ever going to give up on me, I could hear it in her voice, because even though she hated me for what I was, unlike my father I began to realize she still loved me. _

_ Slowly, as the months past after my mom had left, I began to grow accustomed to the silence as my dad would spend nights out with his buddies drinking and wouldn't return for weeks at a time. Although after a while I began to hear depression, sadness and anger as it took over my thoughts. As if someone was speaking to my brain on repeat those cruel words of the truth that was deliberately ruining my life, leaving me lying awake each and every single day, killing me from the inside out. I would call Noah and we would sit and talk on the phone till late in the night, and unfortunately he became the only lifeline in my world. I mean don't get me wrong I loved him and still do more than anything else in this world and he was the most amazing, caring and loving person I ever got to know, but it was unfortunate because your own parents are supposed to be a part of that kind of relationship. They are supposed to be the caring and loving people who stand there to support you throughout your life not some teenager you meet in high school. And to be quite honest, even though we spoke for hours and he would encourage me, give me hope that I can and will be happy in my future, his words were beginning to fall on deaf ears. They began to only seem like words, as if Noah was just trying to say anything that would keep me here, because I know he loved me and I him, more than any other person on the planet, but the world was crushing me, making my breath hurt, and I just couldn't live with the pain any more. I was honestly like a walking ghost, depression really can kill you, and at the time I was so very glad that Noah was in my life, he was my personal life support, but now, now that he is gone, I can feel the pain increasing every day, as his love for me is no longer present to protect me, and the family I once had so long ago is but a mere mark in my past, that only creeps into my present to do more harm than anything._

_ So I say this first to you mom, I am truly sorry that it had to come to this, that the last words you hear from are not spoken over a phone, but written here on this very paper. I know you loved me because I could hear it in your voice those few times we got to talk, but I can't stand you not showing it, I can't stand trying so hard to reveal that love. You've made me wait so long to feel it and yet it's still trapped in your heart and will never be released. I can't tell you enough that there were so very many times that I needed you, and you weren't there, I needed to feel your comfort like every child craves. I was dying to feel your arms wrapped around me like the times when I was just a toddler, you would hold me and never let me go. I miss you mom, I really do, but it makes me wonder whether all these feelings I have about you have been misled all these years. Did you ever really love me mom? Because I did, I loved you. But now as well as these past few months I've changed mom, my feelings too. I've been crying; I've been having nightmares too, about Dad, about those teens at school, about what they could all do to me. I'm scared mom. But I can't and will not take this anymore. I may have loved you but those feelings have just seemed to disappear because the hurt, the loneliness, the depression has consumed me, and I do, I hate you. You were supposed to be there for me. You were supposed to defend me, love me for everything I am, not ditch me and start anew. You may not feel this was but you need to hear the truth, those teens that threaten me, punch and kick me, abuse me in all forms, they aren't the only reason I killed myself, but you fall on that list because you were never ever what you were supposed to be….A Mom._

_ Second, I say this to you Dad, I'm not sorry that it had to come to this, that the last words you hear from me are written here on this very page because you deserve nothing more, and yes it may seem cowardly to write all my thoughts here and to speak to you with black ink on a paper, but here I get to say everything I never had the balls to say. Curse you Dad and everything that you are! You're nothing but a lousy excuse of a father, because you know nothing of what it means to be one. Fathers are supposed to be that strong, brave guidance that will lead their children down a path that will make their child's future everything it could ever be. You were supposed to be my Hero Dad, you were supposed to be my courage, a man whom I could talk to, could turn to for the right answer. But instead I ran from you, I hide everything I was from you because I feared you. No child is supposed to fear their Dad because instead they are supposed to have this bond with him that is unlike any other. You were supposed to protect me from the hate in the world, show me that it didn't matter that I loved who I loved, because I was your son and nothing would ever come in the way of that. Isn't that what it's supposed to be like dad? Weren't you supposed to be my hero? But instead you tried so hard to change the truth that made me exactly who I was. Fine, you want to hear it? You want to hear what you have been forcing out of me all these years? I'm sorry, I'm sorry I am a perverted homosexual, I'm sorry I'm a disgrace as a son, I'm sorry I'm a queer, a dyke, and whatever other word you can think of calling me. I'm sorry you had to see me, live with me, know me, I'm sorry I was ever your son, that I ever existed in your life, I'm sorry I made you anything but proud, and I'm sorry that I didn't kill myself earlier to save you from all this pain, and embarrassment. Maybe you will find happiness now because you like so many others have finally accomplished your mission, you have killed me Dad._

With those last few words Kurt was doubled over with tears, crying so hard as he could not believe what he was reading, it was all just too much, and as he folded the final letter his eye caught Blaine standing in the doorway, a look of great fear in his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7 I'm Coming Noah

**Cry of Soundless Words Chapter 7**

**Samantha Moore**

I just stood there in the doorway my stomach falling to the floor, me speech completely at a loss…

"Blaine- Oh God Blaine," Kurt says I can see great concern in his eyes as he folds the papers in his hands.

Somewhere in the intensity of the moment I find my voice, "WHAT THE HELL!"

"What the hell are you DOING! You have NO business looking through MY things!" I can't help myself but begin to cry, scared because someone found out the secret I was keeping, was going to keep till the day I died.

"I was- I was just looking- I say a music sheet of Phil Collins and I- I just wanted to see what the music was all about and well I – I just found this, it was an accident," Kurt stammers, I could see tears caked to his cheek.

"And so it was an accident that you so happened to just read it- For God sake, do you even know what PRIVACY means?"

"Look Blaine that doesn't even matter right now, what matters is you, is why you wrote what you wrote, and what you have planned to do," Kurt tries to explain as I slam my door shut behind me, _Heaven forbid my Dad knew I had a boy up here, or the basis of the argument that was now occurring._

"That doesn't matter, never has and never will, I've made up my mind and you will not change it, now get the hell out of here!" I scream tears soaking my face.

"Blaine!" I could hear the apprehension in his voice.

"I said get the hell out!" and with that Kurt ran out the door, leaving me balling on my bed, feeling desperate and alone.

Monday rolled around, and I managed to pull myself out of bed arriving at school 20 minutes late for class and as I spent my day thinking about last night, before I knew it I was heading to the cafeteria as the lunch bell had rung. Like a programmed robot I made my way through the line of hungry students taking my turn to receive the food of the day, spaghetti and meatballs…_Great_.

I weave myself through the throng of sweater vests, blazers and dress shirts to a table in the far corner, no one was sitting there and I would be alone and for the first time in a long time wanted to be.

There was so much going on in my head at the moment, my thoughts began to jumble and last night kept playing over and over in my head. Kurt's face, the notes in his hand, his pleas to help me, and my Dad, the punches he had thrown at me, and the kicks he made as I fell to the ground, the curses and the screams about having another gay man in his house, and the last pound to my face as I tried to scurry to my room. I rubbed my eyes, as if somehow I could make the vision go away, but I was scared and forever will be. But tomorrow, tomorrow was my final day, it would all just disappear.

My thoughts were immediately interrupted, "Can I sit here".

It was Kurt, "go ahead- I- I was just leaving," I said scooping up my last meat ball and hurriedly leaving the table and my unfinished lunch behind for the cafeteria ladies to clean it up.

I thought that the bullies at my old school were finally laying off, that the kids who forced Noah to suicide finally found a new target as I hadn't see them or heard from them in almost a month, unfortunate for someone else, but hope for me. Although when I got home that night I knew I was all too wrong because there on our front lawn they stood, Tyler, Dylan, Marcus and Evan the same four guys that beat Noah and I senseless the night of the Sadie Hawkins dance.

"Hey dyke- missed us?" Tyler says with a sneer.

"No- Sorry," I try to say as clam as possible, meanwhile my heart was racing like crazy.

"Oh really well we missed you, so very much," Evan pestered.

"We thought we would stop by because you didn't seem to get our message last time we met, fags don't belong here they don't belong anywhere. We seemed to manage to get it the message into your little fag boy Noah's head, but yours just seems to be a little extra thick," Tyler continues.

"Don't call him that," I say attempting to defend Noah's honour.

"I'm only telling the truth, it's bad to lie, my mom taught me that," Tyler continued now smiling at me, "You know what else my mom taught me, to finish whatever you started, work until the job is done".

I gulped hard; I knew what was next…

"And you know what dyke, we never finished our job with you, I mean we did with you fag boy but not you, and I can't just give up right?" Tyler asks, but I just stand there glued to the spot with fear filled eyes.

Before I knew it, before I could even make a move they ran at me, Dylan and Marcus grabbed my arms pulling them back in a vice grip they both kicked the back of my knees causing me to fall to the ground. I was restrained unable to move no matter how hard I tried to fight them off, I was stuck on my knees begging for them to stop.

"Say Goodbye Fag," said Tyler, and with that I thought I was done.

He aimed a sharp blow to my abdomen so I tensed up trying to reduce the pain of the impact but it was no use. He punched me again more quickly this time and the pain intensified. I grunted, and cried but he just smiled. He kicked my gut repeatedly; I never felt so much pain before. I began to cry at the top of my lungs, screaming for mercy, _why wasn't anyone hearing me!_

Tyler worked his way up my body, slugging my in the face he sent my head snapping back, he shoved me to the ground, and just before Tyler continued I saw my Dad out of the corner of my eye, standing there on the front porch watching as if it was some form of entertainment.

I cried harder and Tyler kneeled on my chest, crushing my lungs and forcing me to gasp for air. He smiled at the look of horror on my face which only increased his force. Blow after blow he hit me in the face, moving my head left to right as he alternated punches_. This was it; I was going to die here at the hands of my own bullies_. The sound around me slowly began to fade, tears no longer fell from my eyes, and after so many hits that I could no longer count I saw a blurry vision standing over me. He was holding Tyler back, not forcibly but just enough to stop the punches, he said something, it was hard to make it out, something like, "that's good, I think he gets it" who was that, Dylan maybe, no he was too tall to be Dylan, he looked like- he looked like my Dad.

"Just one more," Tyler replied, but one turned out to be three huge blows to square to my face, knocking me right out cold.

When I woke up it was cold, I was wet and I didn't understand where I was. But as the minutes passed my vision slowly returned to me and I was able to just make out the front door to our house through my right eye that didn't happen to be swollen shut. I was cold and wet because I was lying here on the lawn, and it must have been past midnight. I tried to move but was winded by a gut wrenching pain, and the vision of what must have happened only hours ago slowly returning to me. I whimpered as I tried to crawl across the lawn, towards the front door, but there must have been dozens of broken bones in my body, thousands of forming bruises as the pain was nothing like I had ever felt in my entire life. Somehow I managed to crawl inch by inch and I ended up in my bed mangled, I tried to sleep but lay wide awake, the pain intensifying with each breath I took.

I guess I managed to get some sort of shut I or maybe I just lost myself for a moment because my alarm clock went off, startling me as it flickered 8:00 am. My body felt like it was hit by a pick-up truck driving at top speed. When I managed to walk over to my mirror, I looked at myself through the only site line available which was through part of my right eye; I looked at the reflection staring back at me. It was terrifying, my face was full of crusted blood stains, my left eye was completely swollen and a shade of black I would have never imaged on my own skin before. My face it was completely mangled, discoloured and swollen in various places. I staggered back over to my bed sitting on the edge as I padded my body attempting to see where the pain was located the most and that's when my Dad walked in…

"Looks like they got you good huh, well maybe they were able to sink the message into your thick head because I never seemed to manage," He just laughed, " well I'm heading out for the week with a couple of buddies of mine so yeah, hurry up or you'll be late for school".

He just walked away, just like that and a trail of beer stench following him as he left the house.

I couldn't do it; I couldn't even cry anymore, I was battered, beaten and alone. So this was how I was supposed to go I guess, unwanted, abandoned and broken. Well so be it, I was done and today was May 17th, the fateful day that I would take my last breath, in a world of great hatred.

I spent a good portion of the morning attempting to clean up myself, washing the blood away and fixing my hair, I didn't care who found my body but I wanted to look my best, not for them but for me. So I plastered my hair with gel, making that cute little front Mohawk flip I like, and I pulled out my favourite outfit: my Brooks Brothers navy blue vest, a red Marc Jacobs polo, black cuffed jeans, navy blue Dixon boat shoes, and finally the topper my navy blue and red stripped bowtie, the exact outfit I wore on my first ever date with Noah.

By now I was going through so many emotions, hatred and anguish, betrayal, loneliness, depression, and love for Noah. I'm not quite sure how someone can go through all these emotions without virtually exploding, but seeing as I was, I guess I answered that. It's because I've begun to live almost robotically, living out my day to day life as if I am but a mere cloud of existence, pushed to the side, living with no meaning.

Once I pulled myself together, dressed and ready for my final moments I starred in the mirror, I just needed one last minute to take everything in, breath as me and not what others wished I was, "So this is it I guess," I say the reflection starring back at me, as if it could speak to me. The last few moments are much of a blur, my heart was racing with what I was about to do, and my mind was clouded, fixated on the suicide and not the moment I was living at the time. But I do know I texted Kurt, and only Kurt. I left a simple message, "I'm Sorry. Goodbye", and placing my phone on my dresser I sat on the edge of my bed for just a moment. I cried what I thought would be my last tears, got up stumbling over my legs that willed me not to move, too damaged from the night before as I worked my way to my desk. I grabbed my suicide notes, along with a bottle of sleeping pills I had been prescribed in grade 9, after I couldn't sleep; too many nightmares for obvious reasons. I hear my phone vibrate various times but continue to slowly hobble my way over to my closet, where I lay my notes. I sit in front of the open closet doors, starring at the room around me, in the world I was never and should never had existed in.

_I'm coming Noah_ I think to myself, unscrewing the cap off of the pill bottle I dump the container into my mouth. Half of the pills fall down my throat, and I swallow. My desire for an end making the pills seem to fall with ease, no need for assistance of water I dump the rest, slowly I feel them creep down my throat, I close my eyes, ready to will my aching body to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8 Saving Me From Suicide

**The Cry of Soundless Words Chapter 8**

**Samantha Moore**

"BLAINE!"… "BLAINE!" I could hear these faint cries, someone was calling my name. I tried to move, see who- why someone was calling me but my body, it felt like a thousand pounds, and my eyes they would only open halfway and they too were heavy. My heart it was racing, and my breathing, I noticed it was rushed, like I'd been running.

"BLAINE!" I hear them shout again, but this time it was louder, and what was that, I- I think I can hear sirens, like for a cop car, or- or an ambulance.

"BLAINE- Oh God, No," they say but this time I feel them grab my head, placing it in what feels like their lap. I try to see who it is, but it's too blurry.

"Oh God Blaine," It's a familiar voice, and I squeeze my eyes shut hard to see if I can make them out better, and it works. It's- its Kurt.

"Hi Baby, Just-Just hang in there, they're coming, help is on its way," Kurt cries, I can feel his shaking hands stroking my hair.

My mind feels like its growing in weight, dizzy and sick I try to mumble, "No...No…No".

"Everything is going to be all right, just hang in there," He cried harder and I could make out his body, it was shaking, he- he was rocking himself back and forth, still stroking my hair.

"No…No…"I could just make out myself crying, my breaths increasing, hurting with each expand of my chest. My arms they wouldn't move, too heavy.

Faintly I could hear the stomping of feet. Must be people coming up the stairs. The sirens, they were louder.

"HELP HIM!" I hear Kurt shout and the stomping grows louder yet. But my eyes they- they're closing shut and they're too heavy. I- I can't see through them. My heart it was racing faster than ever before.

"SON, CAN YOU HEAR ME!" I hear a man shout.

"CAN YOU HEAR ME?" He shouts again this time, I feel movement of my body, and they must have switched spots with Kurt. I could feel them moving my eyelids but I- I could hardly see, just completely blurred visions, colours and irregular shapes.

There was mumbling going on, and then he shouted again, "CAN YOU HEAR ME," _yes, yes I can , I can hear you_, I wanted to shout but my body wouldn't will me.

I was scared, I wanted to die, but- but at the same time I didn't, I felt like I was being crushed, my lungs they were beginning to grow heavy, and I was scared beyond imaginable. The pain was searing through my body and I wanted to scream, cry do anything but I couldn't.

There was more mumbling going on, and the man speaking to me must have decided to transport my body because next thing I knew they were rolling me onto something hard, and I was lifted up off of the ground, down the stairs, out the door and into the ambulance. But the rest I-I can't remember, I know there was a lot of commotion but the minute they set me in that ambulance on the stretcher I went unconscious.

"I NEED A CRASH TEAM!"

"HE'S BEEN ISSUED CPR! IT'S AN OVERDOSE! THOUGHT TO BE ATTEMPTED SUICIDE!"

I felt like I was just awoken by a punch to the chest, must have been the CPR. I could hear that voice shouting again, the same voice from earlier. I must be returning consciousness, but I can't move, I- I feel paralyzed by the weight of my body. And there's something on my mouth and my nose. I open my eyes feeling like I'm going to be sick. I- I see him, there's a paramedic kneeling over top of my chest as he pumps this bag covering my nose and mouth, I feel it forcing air into my body.

The stretcher, they're pushing it fast, to where I don't know.

"BP IS 90 OVER 65 AND FALLING!" He shouts again as I hear others rush to the moving stretcher.

I feel like I'm drunk, my eyes they keep closing no matter how hard I try to keep them open, and my heart its failing, I Blaine Anderson am dying. Every now and then I get a glimpse of what's going on, currently I'm in a room, and their hooking things up to me, some kind of monitor, and an IV or a pump thing I can't quit tell but I do know my heart it seems to be getting slower and slower now, no longer racing but slowing as if ready to stop. I'm scared, Kurt I-I need you.


	9. Chapter 9 A New Love

**The Cry of Soundless Words Chapter 9**

**Samantha Moore**

Darkness, that's all I can see. Complete and utter darkness, and my muscles, I can feel how stiff they are, as if I hadn't moved for a month. I try to think, try to recollect what was going on but all I can remember is that day, the day of my suicide.

Had I actually done it, was this what death was supposed to feel like? No- it couldn't be, and wait what's that?

My senses start coming back to me, one by one. I could hear the rustling of papers and the sound of various voices, but their sentences weren't clear enough. And there's smell, like a disinfectant that fills my nose as I breathe in. My mouth is dry, and I'm lying down in what seems to be a bed. The voices they were getting louder, like my hearing it was getting better. I hear them; they're speaking to each other, something about my temperature, and my heart rate. I slowly lift my heavy eyelids, the room is bright. Light from the window reflect off of the white walls making me want to close my eyes again. I felt like I had been sleeping for years, but I'm still tired. There's another sound. It's a loud beeping noise. Slowly I turn my head towards the source, my neck muscles stiff and sore, resisting the movement. It's a heart monitor, steadily marking the beats of my heart. Finally answering my question…I was in a hospital.

He must have seen the movement of my head because the next thing I heard was the sound of a familiar voice, one I had been waiting to hear, "Hey Buddy," its Kurt.

"Look who finally decided to join us," I hear one of the doctors say.

I just grunt because it's all I can seem to manage and it makes Kurt laugh.

"I guess we will leave you two be, we will be back in a few hours to check up on you," a different doctor says.

"Thanks," Kurt replies, and I hear the sound of a scraping chair, being pulled up closer to the bedside.

Kurt grabs my hand and squeezes it, "God I was so worried about you…I-I thought I was going to lose you." There was a long pause before he continued, this time I could hear the worry in his voice "you know the doctors told me you're very lucky, they said you died once, on your way here to St. Mary's but they performed CPR. And once they got you here they immediately pumped your stomach and issued you all this medication and a whole IV thing, you honestly looked horrible. And um well here you are, it's been 11 days and you've finally returned back to us." Kurt was crying now, so I squeezed his hand back unable to speak. This must have felt nice because he sniffled holding back his tears.

There's another moment of pause, this time longer. I want to talk to him, ask him so many things like why had I been out for 11 days? There's just so much going on in my head, so many emotions I'm feeling right now. Anger for being saved because I wanted so badly to die, to end my suffering here on earth, in addition to so many other emotions that didn't even seem to have an excuse for being present in my mind at this time.

* * *

As the days passed into weeks, I began to regain my senses, but my speech was last to come. It was officially, 21 days since I was admitted into St. Mary's hospital and last night I finally began to recover my speech.

"Can we talk," Kurt finally says. He had been keeping quiet for the past few days.

"Sure," I say, slowly repositioning myself, pain still immense in my body.

Kurt gets up out of his cot; the nurses offered it to him seeing as he wouldn't leave my side this entire time and was spending many nights with his neck crammed in the chair.

He takes a seat next to me and grabs my hand, "We never really had a chance to sit down and talk about all this, about your suicide plan and what not".

I exhale a deep breath, "Look, I'll be honest with you. You don't know what I've been through in life, you don't know how hard it's been to be me, if you did you would understand that Suicide, it was and still is my only option."

Kurt looks at me horrified, "You can't be serious, you mean you're still going to do it, after all this, after what they tried to do to save your life, and after all I've been through, for god's sake I had to witness your convulsing body, I was there for you despite how hard it was to see you look so, so horrible", he was crying now, but I couldn't care enough.

"I didn't ask for you to save me, all I want to do is DIE!" I was sobbing too, "You don't even understand how hard it is for your own parents to pummel you, yell and scream homophobic slurs at you, beat you to the ground and tell you you're disgusting and shameful! To tell you they never want to see you, never wanted you in their lives, to not give a damn about who touches you, who hurts you! ALL BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING GAY!"

"He did that to you didn't he, the black eye I saw when I first came over to your house. Your father did that to you didn't he!" Kurt cried but I just starred at the ceiling, "Oh, God Blaine, Why didn't you just tell me…H-How many others times did he hit you?"

"Who fucking cares anymore! I'M GARBAGE! I'M A FAGGOT! I'M WORTHLESS! I JUST WANT TO DIE!"

"What about those other injuries, you were like mangled when I found you, and the doctors, they said you had 3 broken ribs, a fractured wrist, bruised bones in your upper chest, a small fracture in you jaw, your nose, they said it was dislocated, and not to mention the millions of bruises that coated your body! I mean what the hell happened!" Kurt cried out.

I sniffled, trying to control myself, "it was those morons, Tyler, Dylan, Marcus and Evan, those guys who beat up Noah and I a while back. They were standing on my lawn and they just charged at me. Told me they had unfinished business, that I was going to die, and you know what the worst part was not the pain that came with each punch or with each kick to my body, but my Dad. He just stood there on the porch and watched, he watched as they fucking pummelled me! They should have just killed me!" I was crying harder now, my body shaking with sadness and anger.

"Oh, God Blaine- I'm – I'm so sorry."

"All my life I've never belonged, I've never ever fit in. I tried to be me but was criticized and beaten by my own damn father, and left to fend for myself because my own mother didn't give two shits about what happened to me! When I finally found Noah, I thought there was going to be some kind of hope left, like the world wasn't going to bring me down. Noah he-he was my everything. My heart skipped a beat when I was with him, and the whole world seemed to slow down, as if giving Noah and I more time to be together, to just be ourselves. But of course it was just all too good. And they had to take him away from me!" I balled now no longer able to control myself.

"But I'm here for you- Look you're right maybe I don't entirely know what it's like to be you. I've read those notes you wrote and yes I see you've had one hell of a life, but you're not the only one. I did too, only I had supportive parents who saved me from suicide, but believe me I was down that same road. I told you before why I transferred to Dalton Academy, but I didn't fully explain myself. I mean I said there was this guy who tortured me but I never said what he did. His name is Dave Karofsky, and he's a year older then I am, the jock of the school right. Well anyway, he would do the little things like call me names, make rude comments about my sexuality, shove me into lockers, and even throw me into the dumpster now and then. But he also threatened my life. He came up to me in the hallways and in this voice I will never ever forget, he told me he was going to kill me. Now some may have just thought of it as a meaningless threat but it wasn't. He had done so many things to me, some I will never tell anyone, not even my own parents, but this threat was nothing close to meaningless. I knew what he was capable of, and so I spent the rest of my life in fear till I moved, I was afraid to turn corners and even walk home after school. He had control over me, and after a while it only got worse. There were things spreading over the internet, and I, just like you, had begun to experience the worst there is of cyber bullying. I felt alone, depressed, and misunderstood. And I would have done it; I would have succeeded in my suicide attempt if my parents hadn't gotten back early from their trip my grandma's. My mom, she found me and managed to save me in time, and it's one of the biggest things I ever regret doing. First and foremost is because they can never remove that image of their child, convulsing, dying on the floor from attempted suicide. They were the only few people who had ever been there for me my entire life; I deeply regret them seeing that. But I also regret attempting such a thing because if I did succeed I would have never experienced the happiness I felt when I finally found a group of teens who accepted me, and I would have never had the ability to meet you." There was a long pause for a minute as I let it all sink in, then Kurt continues, "Look Blaine, I may have not gone through all the things you have, but I too have been through enough to be damaged, depressed beyond belief at one time or another, but believe me, It Gets Better."

I turned my head to meet his eyes with mine, "I love you," he said to me.

I starred for a moment, shocked at those few words realizing, I had this feeling inside of me that was hidden by all these emotions. I realized that these feelings were the same I felt towards Noah when he was alive. Comfort, Unity, Companionship…Love.

"I Love you to," I say.


End file.
